Results of a Village Voice study (“What is Billy Joel For?”) published this evening suggest that the increased specialisation in recent years within what was once the broader field of natural philosophy is finally paying dividends. The 20 year study, headed by renowned anthrophysicist Dr Greil Marcus, has spewed up surprising conclusions, including the veracity of all recorded variants on the steampunk model of reality. While no cyberpunk realities have so far been confirmed, a number of dimensions have been observed that, it is posited, may yet develop in that direction. In a series of complex procedures that the reader will be unable to conceptualise, and which I will instead pare down to crude analogy, Dr Marcus and a vast horde of eager volunteers peeled away layers of 6-time doctor Billy Joel, and became aware very early on of something far more surprising than substance. “After the gristle and sinew,” says volunteer Sean Hill, “My chisel struck a layer of a white bone-like substance. I knew right away that we were breaking new ground in Science”. 20 years later, and Sean’s outlandish claim resembles understatement, almost. The various temperatures and atmospheric compositions have resulted in a number of deaths along the way, but the profundity of the findings would and perhaps should warrant the loss of much more mere human life. “You would expect him [Billy Joel] to get smaller the further you excavated,” says Sean Hill again, “But he didn’t. Well, sometimes he did, but other times he got bigger. I mean, much bigger, and he was made of all sorts of things. The whole lab changed. It was fucking intense. Definitely infinite.” The study will be serialised in Rolling Stone, to be published by Hodder & Stoughton in book form next year.